Merry Poppis and the dimwitted's cookie
by Merry Poppis
Summary: Edited Repost. Merry Poppis lived in harmony with his beloved cousin Paddy, his kind sasuage-loving uncle, and his grouchy aunt. Then one day a letter came for Merry, wrecking his happy and ordered life with the admission to a school full of loons...
1. The boy who was cursed

**The boy who was cursed**

Mr. and Mrs. Deutsch left Streussenhaben, Germany, no less than 15 years ago, to take up residence in the polluted pesthole most people refer to simply as London.

Mr. German Deutsch was a very good-natured, slightly overweight man who loved children and German sausage, preferably the so-called Bratwurst, his native country's proud national dish.

He usually wore green brace trousers along with a white shirt decorated with lots and lots of grease marks, most of them from sausage.

He was very fond of his job as top executive at his own enterprise; Sausage Jawohl AB, which manufactured the best sausages in the country (according to himself; the critics, unfortunately, did not agree).

Mr. Deutsch's wife; Buttercup Deutsch was a sinewy hag, rather manipulative and mean. She had married Mr. Deutsch for money and so that she wouldn't have to work, as she was not only a bitch, she was a lazy bitch.

She spent most of her time at home, laying idly about reading magazines or watching telly, glowering at her young son, Paddy, whom she hated. She deeply regretted the night that they had accidentally created the ugly little miscreant.

The Deutschs lived a normal, orderly, routine-like life in the suburbs for years. That was until THAT ONE DAY that would change their mundane existence forever, the day none other than little Merry Poppis, the son of Buttercup's estranged sister, entered their lives.

Everything began on a perfectly normal Tuesday. The first thing out of the ordinary happened when Mr. Deutsch was just leaving the house, about to drive to work. He spotted a scabby mutt near his car, eyeing the garden wall, with what Mr. Deutsch perceived as a very seductive, suggestive look. He rubbed his small piggy eyes for a moment. When he looked again, the dog was at full steam excitedly humping the poor defenseless garden wall.

Mr. Deutsch took on a disgusted expression shaking his head slightly as he sat down in his car, driving away while trying to block the image of the horny mongrel from his mind.

On his way to the office he noticed a number of other odd things. What did he see then? Well, it was… noteworthy.

He saw: A man with spangled pink trousers climbing a lamp post, a naked dwarf dressed solely in spectacles blowing his nose into a big pink handkerchief, a nun in a sports car picking up a couple of innocent-looking, nonsuspecting young men, and finally a Moomin troll, glancing at his watch with an impatient look on his face.

Meanwhile Mrs. Deutsch lounged about at home on the couch, eating from a big bag of crisps, showing no reaction whatsoever to the sudden scream as Paddy fell out through an open window on the second floor. He was quite badly injured.

Hours later when Paddy had gotten some medical attention and the Dursleys had all gone to bed, an old geezer wearing a white straightjacket appeared in the dead of night right outside the Deutschs' house.

He soon managed to release himself from the jacket, whence he began throwing pebbles, smashing all the lamp post lights nearby.

The scabby waggle dog which had been waiting on the garden wall the entire day then transformed into a scantily dressed woman.

"But hellooo McDreamagall!" the lunatic cried out happily.

"Hi there Dumblefool", the dog woman purred, "what are you doing here; I thought you were stuck at the madhouse?"

"Oh yes I was, but I escaped", the mental patient told her offhandedly.

"What brings you here then?"

Dumblefool just shrugged. "This is as good a place as any. What are you doing here?"

"The terrorists have struck again, towards the Poppis family this time. Lord Violence is behind it, he murdered Jammy & Silly yesterday. Their kid survived the curse thrown at him though, with only a wound in the form of a dorky question mark etched into his forehead. One can assume he is probably mentally fucked-up and generally environmentally damaged now, so I thought I'd dump him with his muggle relatives."

Dumblefool looked extremely bored by the time she finished explaining."Don't you have any Dumle toffees?"

McDreamagall sighed testily. "Did you not listen to anything I just said you old fool? I don't have time for your damned toffees."

Dumblefool poked his tongue out and sat down on the garden wall which had been assaulted just that morning, to mope.

The silence that followed was soon interrupted by a humming sound. An enormous motorcycle driven by an equally enormous man appeared from above and landed in front of the duo.

"Hi there HubbaBubba you sluggish bastard", McDreamagall said, the seductive tone she used contradicting the insult.

HubbaBubba's only reply was to grunt as he negligently threw a bundle containing Merry Poppis over to Dumblefool.

"What am I supposed to do with this?" McDreamagall ripped the small child away from him.

"Nothing at all you psycho, I just told you I am going to leave him here. I will leave a postcard along with the kid to let them know who the intruder is."

The woman left the loon and the mean-looking half-giant, to put down the bundle containing Merry Poppis at the muggles' threshold so that he would get a fat smack the next morning when Mr. Deutsch unsuspectingly opened the door on his way to work.

"By the way HubbaBubba, that's a sexy motorbike you have there. I've never seen it before, you must have bought that recently", McDreamagall said casually as the trio left, walking down the street.

"Yeah, right… bought… hmmhrm", was the murmured reply.

**Swedish words explanations:**

**Moomin troll = "mumintroll", a creature in a Finnish fairytale by Tove Janson.**

**Dumle toffees = "Dumlekolor".**

**HubbaBubba = "hubbabubba", a big chewing gum good for blowing bubbles.**


	2. The glass which was smashed

**The glass which was smashed**

Ten years later Merry Poppis awoke to the balmy twitter of birds. The beams of the morning sun stroked his ugly face, dazzling him.

"Wake up, cousin!" a merry voice sounded, "Today is my birthday!!!"

"Oh yeah! Congrats Fatty Boy", Merry jovially answered Paddy Deutsch as he put on his friendship necklace with a pendant looking like the left half of a metal heart (Paddy already had on the right half).

"Hurry up and get dressed so that we can go downstairs and have breakfast together!"

Merry dressed himself quickly, and took Paddy under the arm; together they skipped downstairs, demonstrating none to subtly just what truly good friends they really were.

Despite the fact that they were the best of friends their appearances could hardly have been more dissimilar.

Paddy was fat, looking in shape not unlike the kind of big blow-up balls kids play with in the water at beaches summertime, and he loved everything that involved food. He also loved superheroes and aspired to be one himself one day (thus the nickname Fatty Boy). He had naturally platinum blonde colored hair, and that in combination with his D-cups had him looking slightly like a younger and fatter Pamela Anderson.

Merry on the other hand was skinny for several reasons; he was very picky since he was a spoiled brat, besides this he was also allergic to everything sweet.

Furthermore Merry had a scar forming a perfect question mark very visible on his forehead. Paddy did not have one of those.

In contrast to his cousin Merry did not have any ambitions whatsoever; neither did he look like a celebrity. Instead he looked like an ugly little boy with blue-black hair and lime green eyes hidden by a pair of round, big and above all geeky glasses.

Mr. Deutsch hugged both of them as they entered the kitchen (Mrs. Deutsch threw them a look so sour the milk in the pancakes clabbered).

"Alles Gute zum Geburtstag Paddy und guten morgen both of you, meine little sweethearts!"

"I'm not little anymore!" Paddy declared cheerfully, "I'm eleven now."

"Okay, but sit down and eat so that you grow some more and while the pancakes are still warm, then you can open your presents."

Mrs. Deutsch dropped the plate with the sour pancakes carelessly on the table before stalking away to another room, viciously muttering.

After they'd eaten Paddy opened the presents. Among his gifts where 4 pounds of sweets which Paddy graciously shared with Merry. They devoured all of it immediately, due to their lack of common sense. Afterwards they fell whimpering to the ground where they lay whining for quite some time. Merry got an allergic shock but he got through it alive, as usual.

Later the boys and Mr. Deutsch went to a zoo. Mrs. Deutsch didn't go because she was a sourpuss.

Once there they goggled at animals, which is what one usually does at a zoo. In the reptile house Merry sauntered away to go stare at the biggest, fattest, most badass-looking snake.

"Ha ha, what a fat snake", said Merry mockingly, looking at it condescendingly.

"You do not have sssuch a sssuperb physssique yourssselfff", the snake hissed.

Merry, who was unused to being insulted, least of all by a snake, started a heated discussion with the animal. Several minutes later the snake said something so completely insolent ("Pumpkinsss are disssgusssting!") that Merry furiously smashed the glass between him and the big snake, with his very fists and thereafter tried attacking it, attempting to choke the snake.

"Take it back! Damn reptile!"

"Fffuck you, I would give you the fffinger ifff only I had one", the snake hissed.

Paddy, alias Fatty Boy, came toddling. "What're you doing?"

"The snake insulted me!"

"What? How can a snake insult you?"

Merry froze contemplating this. When he did not come up with a rational explanation he gave up the fight with the snake, lulling away with Paddy to find Mr. Deutsch.

It was not until they were on their way out of the reptile house that Merry discovered that the glass he had just broken was once again whole. Unfortunately for the other visitors the rude snake was on the outside of the glass.

"Niccce of you to releassse me, but I ssstill hate both you and pumpkinsss", the snake hissed. Merry settled for shaking his fist at it before leaving.

**Swedish dictionary:**

**Poppis = a common shorter version of "populär", in English; popular.**


End file.
